I went from Malkuth, where I talked with the 2-headed snake, to Yesod for Communion with the Lady, to Tiphareth for a Kiss from Aslan, to Binah, to the black ocean (which only ever came up to my ankles, and felt the same temperature as the air, just thicker and wetter) and into the cave. The Oracle was sitting on a tripod, deathly white and silent, over the chasm. Then Hecate appeared behind her, hand on the shoulder. She looked at me, penetrating, but silent. Mary appeared beside her, also silent in her blue robes. Kali appeared on the other side, grinning madly, but quiet. Then my Lady, Persephone, appeared - the all in all, the completeness, the paradox resolved. I asked them what they would have of me - they asked me not to deny complexity, to allow all of them in me. They asked me to become comfy with silence - not as repression, but as the apparent sterility that allows for things to germinate and grow, in the Deep and the Dark before they can reach the light. In the silence that is instead of hurtful words. In the silence that allows for mistakes, for finding the way for oneself. In the Silence of God, where we are not alone, but we feel so, and learn to do for ourselves. I was invited to sit on the tripod (high seat?) and i felt the vapors around me. I felt myself surrounded by their wisdom and love. And I asked about scrying, about divination. Freya, golden and gorgeous, bounded up to me and told me that I did right, that she was happy,a nd that it would come in time - not in a day, not in a year, but keep coming back, with patience and love, and it would come. She was happy with me, and would help. I sat in silence for a time till it was time to go back. I bade farewell to each, and returned as I came. Persephone asked me, in Yesod, if I felt better, if all was well - and yes, yes I did feel better. yes, yes, all was well. And would be well.
The Wheel path, from Netzach to Chesed,  was an exercise in log-rolling - dancing atop the wheel, or letting myself experience its cycles. Chesed was a sky full of clouds, misty and dim. The Heavenly City shone in the distance, an in it was the Temple. The Temple looked much like I imagined the Jerusalem Temple would have looked. Gaudior ( a unicorn met in A Swiftly Tilting Planet ) was there, and I greeted him, joyfully. I talked to the High Priest-looking fellow on the throne, asking what I needed to know. I addressed myself to "King David, King Soloman, kings of Israel and Judah," and they told me about mercy and kingship. Mercy doesn't always look like mercy. Mercy can be severe. Justice is important, but mercy more so. Now that you've been strong with yourself, you can be merciful with yourself - and severity is mercy, sometimes. I went to the Ark of the Covenant, and asked to look inside. Inside, on a scroll, was my covenant with Deity, specifically with Yahweh and his Son. He nodded, and told me that though I'm not exclusively his anymore, I am still his, in a way. He told me that he is a jealous god (he laughed), but that "jealous" means "wants what is his portion," and that Persephone is the same, and it's cool. He reminded me that service to them is authority, and bondage to Deity is perfect freedom. I put my scroll in teh fire, not destroying, but offering as sacrifice. Then Yahweh offered me my own small throne beside his, from which I watched th parts of my life go past, like children. I patted and cooed over them, and was confident of my authority. Then it was time to go, so I went to say goodbye. Gaudior coughed up a pearl, which I set in the center of my forehead as a diadem - a symbol of this merciful, shining authority. And I left.
So, in the interest of both gaining insight about a recent decision and getting to know the Thoth deck better, I did a reading this morning:
Deck: Thoth


                                  6s/3c
6w/Magician                                  PcofS/High Priestess
                            Hanged Man
AofC/Death                                    Empress/PsofS
                                   7c/7p

Key: Pc = Prince, Ps = Princess

So. The Hanged Man, right in the center, reminds me that this is an in-between point, a hanging in the margins and the doorways. Waiting for fullness. It's also a card of sacrifice, describing what the other party in the relationship is prepared to do on my account.
As a result of this decision, much brainpower and effort will be applied to the relationship, as well as a renewal of feeling and love (6s/3c). Strenuous, mainly mental, effort (probably on his part) will be balanced by stillness, intactness, and a depth of sight. I *will* maintain my position as queen of my castle, my life, with emphasis on my ability to deal with the small things - organizing, planning, scheduling - with ease and grace (Empress/PsofS).
There will be growth/change...but what kind is uncertain. These cards have positive connotations in two of my other decks - 7c is about divine inspiration, dreams (which may or may not be full of insight or folly); 7p is about cultivating, facilitating growth. In the Thoth deck, though, 7c is key-worded as "Debauch," and is about what happens when pleasure ceases to please, when it is corrupted. Likewise, 7p is key-worded as "Failure," talking about how efforts can stagnate and fall short. I'm a big believer in a card's meaning shifting by deck...but I'm also a believer in drawing on the whole well of knowledge one has about a card to help in understanding it. So I'm torn. This could either be "inspired change" or "folly doomed to fail".
HOWEVER, either way, there will be a Transformational flowering/flowing of emotion/heart, which will radically change the relationship (AofC/Death) - this is where it'll be abundantly clear which way things will go. Then, clear victory, satisfaction, and independence result (6w/Magician). Woot!

So, the thing I like about this reading is that it makes me feel good about both outcomes. That said, this is probably an instance where a reading from Someone Else would have been a good thing, as I'm clearly Too Damn Close to the situation.
I went up through Hod, telling Rapheal that I was now going to Geburah, as he'd told me to do. The Hanged Man on the path between Hod and Geburah was very, very powerful for me, walking that path.
Standing before the gates fo Geburah was like standing before the Black Gate of Mordor, but I reminded myself that it is NOT Mordor - it is a place with good and useful things for me, for me to learn. I proclaimed before the gate that I have a Right to enter, in the name of Lugh of the Long Hand, and enter I shall.
I did, and it was all black and firey. Fissures with fire streaming up. The Temple was a black Grecian temple with a forge inside. Hephestaeus was there. So was Kali. I asked her, Mama-ji, what do I need to know here? She reached into my chest, pulled out my heart, and started taking bites out of it (only when I allow my strength to overcome my love - for a time - can I do what I must). She told me that I must give her my heart in order to have her help, to feel her power. "And then, my little star, you will learn to burn the things that must be burned." I protested that I couldn't give her my heart, as it had already been given (to Yesod, I thought). "Yes, but it can be given many times. YOU know that." You must give it to me to do what you need to do. But it'll hurt! I said. Yes, she said, but if you call on me -and on your Ag-ni too, I might add - we'll give you strength to endure. But you won't take my weakness/vulnerability, Mama-ji? I don't want to lose that. No, just give you strength for Getting Through. When you give me your heart, I can help you free it from others. I told her I needed to go. She gave me a lotus with my heart in the middle. I plucked my heart out and gave it back to her - freely, I said.
Netzach:
From Malkuth, I traveled to Netzach via a crescent moon elevator-thing. For me, Netzach appeared as a beautiful beach with emerald water. The temple was a huge scallop shell, standing upright, with a fire and Botticelli's Aphrodite in it. She did not speak or respond to greetings, so I chanted around the fire, praising the Goddess, then went to the sea. I jumped in, swimming deep, breathing underwater. I saw plants, life, a dolphin, with whom I played and rode. Then I came upon Mary/Kwan Yin, seated on her lotus. I knew I recognized the place, and said so: "I've been here before, right? I've seen You here before."
"Of course. And I'll always be here for you, in the heart of your heart." She held me close to her, like always, and I pestered her for What I Needed To Learn about this place, this realm. She told me that I already knew to follow my heart, but not let it rule me. To neither value Hod above Netzach, nor Netzach above Hod. She then pointed out a pearl being made, and told me that it was so with all the things in this realm that are painful and/or annoying to me - the irritants will become beautiful with time and care. They are valuable too. She gave me a circlet of pearls, and bade me return when I Need Her. Then I left as I'd come.
Hod:
For me, Hod looked like a warm, wood-paneled library. I tried to talk to the 2-headed snake I saw lingering in the stacks, but he grinned at me and shook his heads. The temple of Hod was an eight-sided sanctum with all the books and references I'd ever want - I knew they were mine. Hermes, Odin, and Loki were there, as well as Raphael. I tried to talk to Odin, but he didn't say anything. So, I browsed the shelves, but nothing caught my fancy. I noticed that I couldn't read the books, but I didn't feel that was a hindrance to understanding them. I finally talked to Raphael and apologized for my arrogance and preconceptions of Knowing A Lot about the realm of Hod - I knew I possessed them, and had been trying to avoid them, but it felt like I hadn't been doing a good job of it. Raphael said it's true...I do know what words can do. I know they can show truth, or hide it. I know they shape reality. I know logic is good, but can be misleading. I know words are true as gold and slippery as fish. He told me not to worry - This is one of the places I Know. Not, perhaps, a place I do a lot of Work (outside school, of course), but a place I Know. Right before I left, Odin gave me a gold coin - a "little extra light for the dark places", and kissed me and called me daughter. Raphael touched my third eye, and blessed me. I gave them words, song of my soul...and then I left.
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