This is my Thinking-It-Out Space.
My Making-of-Lists Space.
My Drafting-My-Life Space.
This is not a space for finished products.

I do not plan to filter this space, so fwiw, here are examples of what you may find:
  • Agonized musings on relationships/sex/sexuality.
  • Over-analyzed Tarot readings.
  • What-do-you-do-with-an-MA-in-English? posts.
  • Dreams, both the day and night varieties.
  • Links/lists/notes requiring preservation.
  • Observations.
  • Spiritual groanings.
If any of this makes you uncomfy, you might not want to be here.

  1. "Finlandia" - Joan Baez
  2. "Magnolia Mountain" - Ryan Adams and the Cardinals
  3. "Out In The Country" - Three Dog Night
  4. "Summertime" - Miles Davis
  5. "Misty Mountain Hop" - Led Zeppelin
  6. "World Falls" - Indigo Girls
  7. "Circle Game" - Joni Mitchell
  8. "Wild World" - Cat Stevens
  9. "Ground On Down" - Ben Harper
  10. "Jerusalem" - Joan Baez
  11. "Hand Me Down World" - The Guess Who
  12. "Hammer and Nail" - Indigo Girls
  13. "Chicago/We Can Change The World" - Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young
  14. "Teach Your Children" - Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young
  15. "Jerusalem" - Emerson, Lake, and Palmer
  16. "Joy to the World" - Three Dog Night
  17. "Morning Has Broken" - Cat Stevens
  18. "Motherland" - Natalie Merchant
  19. "Heaven" - Live
  1. "Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect" - The Decemberists
  2. "Dream Brother" - Jeff Buckley
  3. "Dancing in the Moonlight" - King Harvest
  4. "Desire" - U2
  5. "Volcano" - Damien Rice
  6. "Nights in White Satin" - Moody Blues
  7. "Dancing Barefoot" - Patti Smith Group
  8. "Moonlight Drive" - The Doors
  9. "Time of the Season" - The Zombies
  10. "Velvet Green" - Jethro Tull
  11. "Cult of Dionysus" - The Orion Experience
  12. "Deep as You Go" - The October Project
  13. "Song for Shelter" - Fatboy Slim
  14. "Break On Through (to the Other Side)" - The Doors
  15. "Shining Light" - Ash
  16. "Of Angels and Angles" - The Decemberists
  17. "Way Down" - Tori Amos
  1. "Evolve" - Ani Difranco
  2. "The Scientist" - Coldplay
  3. "Galileo" - The Indigo Girls
  4. "Man On The Moon" - REM
  5. "Masterfade" - Andrew Bird
  6. "I've Seen All Good People/Captured" - Yes
  7. "Inaudible Melodies" - Jack Johnson
  8. "Greek Song" - Rufus Wainwright
  9. "The Remedy" - Jason Mraz
  10. "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" - The Beatles
  11. "Where It's At" - Beck
  12. "Fly By Night" - Rush
  13. "Raised on Robbery" - Joni Mitchell
  14. "Devil Went Down To Georgia" - Charlie Daniels Band
  15. "Ravens" - Patti Smith
  1. "The Ocean" - Dar Williams
  2. "A Pirate Looks At Forty" - Jimmy Buffett
  3. "Brandy" - Looking Glass
  4. "All Over You" - Live
  5. "The Coral Castle" - Andrew Peterson
  6. "Delicate" - Damien Rice
  7. "Romeo and Juliet" - Indigo Girls
  8. "She's Not There" - Santana
  9. "A Case of You" - Joni Mitchell
  10. "Please Bleed" - Ben Harper and the Innocent Criminals
  11. "Blood and Fire" - Indigo Girls
  12. "Fever" - Ani Difranco, Gillian Welch, the Indigo Girls
  13. "My Lady's House" - Iron and Wine
  14. "Both Hands" - Ani Difranco
  15. "You Can Close Your Eyes" - James Taylor and Joni Mitchell
  16. "Language or the Kiss" - Indigo Girls
  17. "Till Victory" - Patti Smith Group
  18. "You Gotta Feel It" - Spoon

I went from Malkuth, where I talked with the 2-headed snake, to Yesod for Communion with the Lady, to Tiphareth for a Kiss from Aslan, to Binah, to the black ocean (which only ever came up to my ankles, and felt the same temperature as the air, just thicker and wetter) and into the cave. The Oracle was sitting on a tripod, deathly white and silent, over the chasm. Then Hecate appeared behind her, hand on the shoulder. She looked at me, penetrating, but silent. Mary appeared beside her, also silent in her blue robes. Kali appeared on the other side, grinning madly, but quiet. Then my Lady, Persephone, appeared - the all in all, the completeness, the paradox resolved. I asked them what they would have of me - they asked me not to deny complexity, to allow all of them in me. They asked me to become comfy with silence - not as repression, but as the apparent sterility that allows for things to germinate and grow, in the Deep and the Dark before they can reach the light. In the silence that is instead of hurtful words. In the silence that allows for mistakes, for finding the way for oneself. In the Silence of God, where we are not alone, but we feel so, and learn to do for ourselves. I was invited to sit on the tripod (high seat?) and i felt the vapors around me. I felt myself surrounded by their wisdom and love. And I asked about scrying, about divination. Freya, golden and gorgeous, bounded up to me and told me that I did right, that she was happy,a nd that it would come in time - not in a day, not in a year, but keep coming back, with patience and love, and it would come. She was happy with me, and would help. I sat in silence for a time till it was time to go back. I bade farewell to each, and returned as I came. Persephone asked me, in Yesod, if I felt better, if all was well - and yes, yes I did feel better. yes, yes, all was well. And would be well.
The Wheel path, from Netzach to Chesed,  was an exercise in log-rolling - dancing atop the wheel, or letting myself experience its cycles. Chesed was a sky full of clouds, misty and dim. The Heavenly City shone in the distance, an in it was the Temple. The Temple looked much like I imagined the Jerusalem Temple would have looked. Gaudior ( a unicorn met in A Swiftly Tilting Planet ) was there, and I greeted him, joyfully. I talked to the High Priest-looking fellow on the throne, asking what I needed to know. I addressed myself to "King David, King Soloman, kings of Israel and Judah," and they told me about mercy and kingship. Mercy doesn't always look like mercy. Mercy can be severe. Justice is important, but mercy more so. Now that you've been strong with yourself, you can be merciful with yourself - and severity is mercy, sometimes. I went to the Ark of the Covenant, and asked to look inside. Inside, on a scroll, was my covenant with Deity, specifically with Yahweh and his Son. He nodded, and told me that though I'm not exclusively his anymore, I am still his, in a way. He told me that he is a jealous god (he laughed), but that "jealous" means "wants what is his portion," and that Persephone is the same, and it's cool. He reminded me that service to them is authority, and bondage to Deity is perfect freedom. I put my scroll in teh fire, not destroying, but offering as sacrifice. Then Yahweh offered me my own small throne beside his, from which I watched th parts of my life go past, like children. I patted and cooed over them, and was confident of my authority. Then it was time to go, so I went to say goodbye. Gaudior coughed up a pearl, which I set in the center of my forehead as a diadem - a symbol of this merciful, shining authority. And I left.
So, in the interest of both gaining insight about a recent decision and getting to know the Thoth deck better, I did a reading this morning:
Deck: Thoth

6w/Magician                                  PcofS/High Priestess
                            Hanged Man
AofC/Death                                    Empress/PsofS

Key: Pc = Prince, Ps = Princess

So. The Hanged Man, right in the center, reminds me that this is an in-between point, a hanging in the margins and the doorways. Waiting for fullness. It's also a card of sacrifice, describing what the other party in the relationship is prepared to do on my account.
As a result of this decision, much brainpower and effort will be applied to the relationship, as well as a renewal of feeling and love (6s/3c). Strenuous, mainly mental, effort (probably on his part) will be balanced by stillness, intactness, and a depth of sight. I *will* maintain my position as queen of my castle, my life, with emphasis on my ability to deal with the small things - organizing, planning, scheduling - with ease and grace (Empress/PsofS).
There will be growth/change...but what kind is uncertain. These cards have positive connotations in two of my other decks - 7c is about divine inspiration, dreams (which may or may not be full of insight or folly); 7p is about cultivating, facilitating growth. In the Thoth deck, though, 7c is key-worded as "Debauch," and is about what happens when pleasure ceases to please, when it is corrupted. Likewise, 7p is key-worded as "Failure," talking about how efforts can stagnate and fall short. I'm a big believer in a card's meaning shifting by deck...but I'm also a believer in drawing on the whole well of knowledge one has about a card to help in understanding it. So I'm torn. This could either be "inspired change" or "folly doomed to fail".
HOWEVER, either way, there will be a Transformational flowering/flowing of emotion/heart, which will radically change the relationship (AofC/Death) - this is where it'll be abundantly clear which way things will go. Then, clear victory, satisfaction, and independence result (6w/Magician). Woot!

So, the thing I like about this reading is that it makes me feel good about both outcomes. That said, this is probably an instance where a reading from Someone Else would have been a good thing, as I'm clearly Too Damn Close to the situation.

Last night, I asked the women I Work spiritually with to do a reading for me - a general sort of "Am I on the right track/What are my next steps" reading.
Deck: Mythic Tarot
13-card spread

9c____________9p____________High Priestess

c - Cups, p - pentacles, w - wands, s-swords

7/13 - Major Arcana
2/13 - pentacles
2/13 - cups
1/13 - wands
1/13 - swords
2/13 - 9s (cups and pentacles)
2/13 - 3s (swords and wands)

This spread always breaks down in different ways. This time, it reads from right to left, with the right column being Where I've Been, the center circle being Where I Am Now, and the left column being Where I'm Headed.
Where I've Been:
This all started when I started the descent that is 2nd Degree work and dedicated to Persephone (High Priestess - no, literally. She's on the card.). It was the dedication specifically that got the Wheel (which is the 3 Fates in my deck) turning, got events going, got me thinking and moving towards this point. I've undergone/am undergoing the transition/transformation which is heartbreak (3 of swords)...I tried to ignore it, but the cutting-away is necessary.
Where I Am:
I am being Strong (Strength is Hercules in my deck), wrestling my rebellious heart into submission, fighting with my emotions. I feel like I've done everything I was supposed to do, but it's not enough - it isn't making me truly happy (9 of pentacles). I am/have been listening to others, examining options, and figuring out which cups/courses to choose (4c). By choosing the bitter cup, I accept myself as a full woman, sovereign in her own right, gorgeous and whole. I connect with my soul and deepest desires (Empress - who is Demeter). This allows me to both negotiate/demand the return of my personal power/sovereignty, as well as integrate the less accessible/familiar parts of myself (3 of wands). As a part of this process, walking alone and looking inward is vital; taking time to and for myself and allowing myself to just be with this is necessary (Hermit). For, as my friend Trance says, "Don't worry. Everything you don't need will be taken away from you." All the things I thought I needed and wanted will crumble away/are crumbling away, leaving me able to exercise my desires and will to shape my life (Tower).
Where I'm Going:
After the unnecessary is stripped away, it seems that I enter into a period of fulfillment. As I heal emotionally, I will rediscover fulfilling, wonderful, human relationships on my terms that nurture and support me while maintaining my freedom (9 of cups). Likewise, as I heal and grow, my personal and spiritual power will expand, and I will grow more comfortable with it and how I'm supposed to use it best (The Magician, who is Hermes). On top of that, I will find a place of comfort and stability in my mundane life - in finances, material matters, etc (Q of Pentacles.).
Trance also dropped these three cards for further clarification: The Chariot, the Knight of Wands, and the Queen of Cups. The first two comment on my Must Wrestle Situation Into Submission attitude, and the last offers an alternative. As my friend Opal said, "Don't do the fire, do the water. Flow, let these things wash over you instead of trying to hold onto and/or destroy them."

Later in the night, I also did a reading for myself with the Thoth deck, mainly as a getting-to-know you exercise, as I'm not familiar with the deck, except to know that I like the artwork, but have my doubts about being able to use it. My inquiry focused on my job/income situation - what should I do/what productive steps should I take in that area? This was the spread:
______________5s/?? (I have forgotten)
Kt of P/Star_____________Kt of W/Ps of W
7c/Qof S_______________8w/High Priestess

Again, we have the What You Don't Need will go away (5s), BUT, with energy (all the wands) and creativity, your deep gifts (Priestess) will bring you to a place of abundant resources (Universe) where you can kick back and relax for awhile, while you strategize (7c/QofS). Then you can take leisurely steps while relishing your life and work (Kt of P/Star). I think the deck and I might get along.
I went up through Hod, telling Rapheal that I was now going to Geburah, as he'd told me to do. The Hanged Man on the path between Hod and Geburah was very, very powerful for me, walking that path.
Standing before the gates fo Geburah was like standing before the Black Gate of Mordor, but I reminded myself that it is NOT Mordor - it is a place with good and useful things for me, for me to learn. I proclaimed before the gate that I have a Right to enter, in the name of Lugh of the Long Hand, and enter I shall.
I did, and it was all black and firey. Fissures with fire streaming up. The Temple was a black Grecian temple with a forge inside. Hephestaeus was there. So was Kali. I asked her, Mama-ji, what do I need to know here? She reached into my chest, pulled out my heart, and started taking bites out of it (only when I allow my strength to overcome my love - for a time - can I do what I must). She told me that I must give her my heart in order to have her help, to feel her power. "And then, my little star, you will learn to burn the things that must be burned." I protested that I couldn't give her my heart, as it had already been given (to Yesod, I thought). "Yes, but it can be given many times. YOU know that." You must give it to me to do what you need to do. But it'll hurt! I said. Yes, she said, but if you call on me -and on your Ag-ni too, I might add - we'll give you strength to endure. But you won't take my weakness/vulnerability, Mama-ji? I don't want to lose that. No, just give you strength for Getting Through. When you give me your heart, I can help you free it from others. I told her I needed to go. She gave me a lotus with my heart in the middle. I plucked my heart out and gave it back to her - freely, I said.
From Malkuth, I traveled to Netzach via a crescent moon elevator-thing. For me, Netzach appeared as a beautiful beach with emerald water. The temple was a huge scallop shell, standing upright, with a fire and Botticelli's Aphrodite in it. She did not speak or respond to greetings, so I chanted around the fire, praising the Goddess, then went to the sea. I jumped in, swimming deep, breathing underwater. I saw plants, life, a dolphin, with whom I played and rode. Then I came upon Mary/Kwan Yin, seated on her lotus. I knew I recognized the place, and said so: "I've been here before, right? I've seen You here before."
"Of course. And I'll always be here for you, in the heart of your heart." She held me close to her, like always, and I pestered her for What I Needed To Learn about this place, this realm. She told me that I already knew to follow my heart, but not let it rule me. To neither value Hod above Netzach, nor Netzach above Hod. She then pointed out a pearl being made, and told me that it was so with all the things in this realm that are painful and/or annoying to me - the irritants will become beautiful with time and care. They are valuable too. She gave me a circlet of pearls, and bade me return when I Need Her. Then I left as I'd come.
For me, Hod looked like a warm, wood-paneled library. I tried to talk to the 2-headed snake I saw lingering in the stacks, but he grinned at me and shook his heads. The temple of Hod was an eight-sided sanctum with all the books and references I'd ever want - I knew they were mine. Hermes, Odin, and Loki were there, as well as Raphael. I tried to talk to Odin, but he didn't say anything. So, I browsed the shelves, but nothing caught my fancy. I noticed that I couldn't read the books, but I didn't feel that was a hindrance to understanding them. I finally talked to Raphael and apologized for my arrogance and preconceptions of Knowing A Lot about the realm of Hod - I knew I possessed them, and had been trying to avoid them, but it felt like I hadn't been doing a good job of it. Raphael said it's true...I do know what words can do. I know they can show truth, or hide it. I know they shape reality. I know logic is good, but can be misleading. I know words are true as gold and slippery as fish. He told me not to worry - This is one of the places I Know. Not, perhaps, a place I do a lot of Work (outside school, of course), but a place I Know. Right before I left, Odin gave me a gold coin - a "little extra light for the dark places", and kissed me and called me daughter. Raphael touched my third eye, and blessed me. I gave them words, song of my soul...and then I left.
What do I need to know about the actions I have taken/should take in my job search?
Empress                                     2p
Kt. of W***                                      2s*
*Kt of C, World, 2c
** 4s, 5s, Hanged Man
*** 3s, 10s, Kg of S

NB: This was with the Mythic Tarot deck, so Fool = Dionysus, Justice = Athena, Kt. of W = Bellarophen, Empress = Demeter, Kt. of C = Perseus, World = Ourouborous, Hanged Man = Prometheus, and Kg of S = Odysseus.

So. I'm just starting on this Job Thing, all fresh-faced and haphazard (Fool). I'm worried as hell by the whole situation (9s). Things are shifting, I feel very insecure financially. I'm trying to find money/source of income, but it's eluding me (2p). I feel pulled, torn in this process (2s) by Hades (Kt of C), who looms very, very large in my life (World), and that relationship (2c) is not making this process easier because my mental energy is torn between job searching and relationship maintenance. What should happen, what makes Sense (Justice) is for me to Calm the Fuck Down (4s), accept that jobs are in short supply - and perhaps accept that I'm not qualified for an administrative job? (5s) - and hang watchfully till the course emerges (Hanged Man). When the course emerges (and/or I accept it as a Viable Possibility), I must pursue valiantly, audaciously, passionately (Kt of W). This may feel like a betrayal of something...may go against reason or Good Sense (3s), but this is the Worst Things can Get, and the night is breaking (10s). The worries will stop. My mind will quiet, and I will be intellectually sound and fulfilled - and victorious in gaining employment (Kg of S). And I will Go Forth and work productively, being happy, being fulfilled, being prosperous (Empress).
So, yeah. I don't like being told to Wait. But that's what I'm hearing. Times are hard, but the right thing is out there. And the Erinyes won't Get You. Go after the Shiny with all yr heart, even if it doesn't make Sense, but don't fret about letting some of the more Sensible and Dull jobs slide. Hades sustains and troubles you. This is just a fact, so deal with it and take it into consideration when planning and dealing with yourself. And most importantly - All Shall Be Well, and All Shall Be Well, and All Manner of Thing Shall Be Well, Bitches.

Praise Her from whom all blessings flow!
Praise Her all creatures here below!
Praise Her all the fair fae host!
Praise Her whom we revere the most!

( Jun. 17th, 2009 01:47 pm)
As unpaid, informalish Clergy, I...
  • help lead rituals for full moons and pagany holidays - on about an every-other-month basis.
  • publicize and help organize all public rituals performed by my Circle, every month. Sending out emails, collecting information, sharing directions...etc.
  • sometimes do a little divination for people who ask. Mostly Tarot.
  • pray.
  • prod my comfort zones as a leader/facilitator of worship/rituals.
  • provide informal counsel for friends.
  • try to help build and connect community.
If I were Clergy, for a living (or part of my living), I would also ideally...
  • perform Transition rituals like: handfastings, weddings, passings, separations, menarche rituals, coming-of-age rituals, namings, coming-into-sexuality rituals, home blessings, etc. These would not only be for pagans...but for anyone who likes my style, wants something outside the Church, UU, or strictly Wiccan-y traditions. Agnostics (and respectful/symbol-oriented atheists) welcome.
  • be known as a trusted source for divination and/or counsel, and perform those functions on a relatively regular basis.
  • conduct/facilitate monthly community rituals - full moons for prosperity and celebration and gratitude and/or dark moons for dealing with Needs and release. Agnostics (and respectful/symbol-oriented atheists) welcome.
  • accept gifts, trade of services, donations (monetary and otherwise), etc. to help me be able to devote so much Time to ClergyWork.
  • **learn more about pastoralish counseling so's I can do pre-nuptial, grief, and other sorts with confidence and a clear conscience.